Happy Mother’s Day, to those who have not experienced grief. I’m being facetious, but I actually do kind of hate Mother’s Day. It’s unfair that while everyone is running around getting their mom flowers, I am listening to my mom’s shower sobs, because she’s trying to pull it together for me and Jordan. All while I’m cursing Hallmark for shoving it in her face that Justin, aka ‘number one mama’s boy’ on Tinder is not here to give her a terribly wrapped mug that says ‘world’s best Grandpa’.
When Justin died the number one thing people asked me was, “how’s your mom?” I got a little feisty with my responses and often retorted, “how do you think?” Another example of grief making me an angry person. But also what a stupid question to casually ask. Some people genuinely want to know. Some people care deeply about trying to help. Some people are coming from a place of their own pain and they get it.
I’m not a mom, yet, but I am a human. And as a human I’ve experienced deep love and deep loss. However I can’t know what my mom’s loss is like. The title she wears proudest is ‘mom’. To lose one of the people that called her that is unfathomable.
I’m sure most people think their mom is the best. Most people have a special relationship with their mom. You’ll see instagram posts about ‘the best mom ever’. Yada yada. But Justin and my mom had something remarkable. Again we literally called him “number one mama’s boy”. The two of them would sit and play backgammon for hours, laugh at jokes none of us got, and share these good bye hugs where my mom would tear up and Justin would imitate her. They had this intense connection that was tangible when you watched them.
My own grief often feels unbearable, but it’s so much worse having to watch my mom’s grief. I’m inspired by her fight every day to continue to live, because the easier option would be to give up. In fact there was a time directly following Justin’s death that I was scared her heart would literally break. I didn’t think her body could continue to function without her, “justy bear”. She constantly reminds me how much she loves me and Jordan. And I constantly remind her that her grief over Justin doesn’t make me think she loves me any less.
She was already full of empathy, but these two and a half years I’ve watched her take her pain and use it to connect with people in a deeper way. Justin was already proud of her, but he would be impressed by how she’s held space for grief and life.